I'm struggling.
I've played music for more than half of my life. I've taken lessons on five different instruments, played in various bands, and spent countless hours learning about music theory and history. My journey has taken me through different phases, from being introduced to the blues, to rock, to metal, and diving deep into jazz history. Being a musician is a significant part of my identity. It's something I've dedicated thousands of hours to through hard work and practice.
Despite my deep involvement with music and my strong opinions on it, I find it ironic that I don't have much of my own work to show. When people share music with me, I can dissect it, understand what I like and don't like both musically and in terms of songwriting. But when it comes to my own music, I'm not at the level I want to be. My songs feel like they're missing a part of me. I've been writing for the sake of my band needing new songs, not because I need to write.
During my sophomore year, a producer suggested that journaling could help with songwriting. It's been two years since I started journaling, although for different reasons. Recently, I realized that I've never thought of using my journal entries for songwriting. I've started doing so now.
I want to be more authentic in my creative process and the art I make. I want to write for myself, creating things that resonate with me. To do that, I need to be fully authentic, taking time to write lines that mean something to me, not just pop filler. I've spent all this time learning to be a good musician, but I'm still a bad writer, and that's okay.
Right now, my band is at a rough spot. It's summer, so nobody is around. We've been trying to get gigs and gain momentum, but obstacles keep getting in the way. We have all the talent in the world but lack the effort to make it happen. That's okay. I need to focus on what I can control, which is writing songs. The more I write, the better I'll get. I want to use songwriting as a tool to express my feelings genuinely. It's ironic because I've been working hard over the past year to get more in touch with my emotions through therapy, meditating, blogging, and journaling. It feels like songwriting is the final piece of the puzzle, the culmination of my efforts.
Meanwhile, I'm aware that I'm still so young. I'm 22 years old, and I'm at a weird place in my life. College has ended, my friends are leaving, I'm holding down a 9-5 job, and I'm learning how to continue with my creative endeavors in spite of it. In a lot of ways, I feel much more free than I did as a student. I have plenty of disposable income that I can use for my hobbies, I don't have homework anymore so I can dedicate time to whatever I want after 5 PM, etc. However, without school I'm missing the guardrails that have existed for all of my life so far. I no longer have jazz band practice on Wednesdays, something I've had since middle school. There's no clear schedule or path for me to take. I need to find out on my own how to make new friends, create new relationships, and be successful. Right now, it's really scary.
Since graduating and starting work, I've tried to engage in things I'm genuinely interested in. I've been focusing on being active, lifting weights, and running in the mornings. I started a YouTube channel, got interested in boxing, and keep up with pro wrestling more than I used to. I've even tried blogging. And that's not even mentioning the creative ideas that pop into my head for much further in the future like streaming on Twitch or starting my own business. I feel creatively inspired. I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to.
I have this musical gift, but it's been tough to use it in life so far. I want to play live, but getting gigs is difficult. At the end of the day, I need to focus on what I can control: working on my creative skills and finding opportunities to meet like-minded musicians. I'm 22. I'm young. This is a lot to think about. Instead, I need to find musicians, play with them, and have a good time. Good things will follow.
I have many creative interests, and I don't want to burn out. Previously, I tried writing for 60 minutes every day, which was too much. Now, I'm taking a new approach. I want to spend time each day doing something creative that I enjoy, whether it's blogging, working on a video, or songwriting. It doesn't matter how long I spend on it. I want to be kind to myself, not force anything, and focus on being authentic.
Today, I went to a guitar store. I chatted with the guy at the counter, and after hearing me play, he complimented my sound and asked if I played locally. It was a nice moment of humanity. It's a huge compliment when someone at a guitar store, who hears countless players daily, genuinely enjoys your playing. He offered me a fist bump on the way out and a smile as if to say, "rock on!" Guess that's what I'll do.